Jews and Mexicans - Fk Song
Remember Icy Hot Stuntaz
, the trio of ridiculous white rappers who became an internet phenomenon?
This is funnier.
Remember the macho homophobic misogynistic alpha male motherfucker who called you a "fag" in high school? The fratboy jock asshole who watches Bumfights
and lights his farts on fire? The one with the backwards baseball cap and the life-size hot wheel car with the GINORMOUS tires?
This is his band.
If this was a parody it would be at Johann Goethe levels of genius. But I can assure you, this is unfortunately not a joke. This is a real band. And they really are called Jews and Mexicans. This song really is called "Fk Song" (it comes from a burned CD-R entitled "The Fuck Demo"). And yes. Yes, he really did just sing "I popped a boner".
Their "manager" gave me the sales pitch over the phone: Imagine Jim Morrison fronting the Stooges, with Robert Plant's swagger, and something about "lyrical decadence and debauchery". I forget the rest. The only reason I remember that much is that I had to hear the same memorized speech about 8 more times after he showed up at the venue I volunteer at trying to get his band a show. He told it to whoever would listen. Obviously he'd spent a lot of time crafting this perfect quote, dreaming of somebody at Rock City News
reading it in the band's press kit, and he was proud of himself.
A while after he left I found myself bored enough to pop in the CD and find out just how bad it was going to be. I'll admit, I was curious: Would it be laughably bad or just mediocrely boring? I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be good. But honestly I never dreamed it would be as hilariously bad as it is. This is like Right Said Fred kind of so-bad-it's-fucking-amazing.
But at first I was ready to turn it off after the first couple seconds. It's basically just a complete rip off of "L.A. Woman" with a guy who wants to sound like Jim Morrison just as bad as any guy working at Guitar Center in West Hollywood and playing at the Whisky-a-Go-Go on Tuesday nights. But then it starts to get a little interesting. Just before the one-minute mark there's a particular vocal phrasing that kept me from hitting stop. It's the two lines that end in "all day" and "your way". The way the singer slurs those words he sounds exactly like Mr. Mackey on South Park
. All day, your way, mmmm kay? It made me hesitate for a moment - maybe this is going to get funny. And thank god I hesitated because I was rewarded with a musical moment that was just plain fucking magical:One day I saw you naked and then
I popped a boner
So hard that it made me shiver
Oh my god. I rewound that part fourty times before I even got to the rest of the song. I'm listening to it now and I'm still laughing. Will this ever get old? But wait, that's not the only great part of the song. Right after the shiver inducing erection we get into the chorus, which is "I just wanna fu fu fu fuck you. Fu fu fu fu fuck you. I can't wait to fuck you all day and night. Fu fu fu fuck fuck you" repeated over and over. Is this the best stuttering in a song since "My Generation" or what?
The next verse after the chorus is also killer. The first line is "Down on your knees so you can suck my cock" and I can't really decipher what he's saying in the second line but suffice it to say, it ends with "we're gonna rock". And as brilliant a lyricist as this guy is (and maybe now would be a good time to mention that according to the band's myspace page the lead singer's name is Baby Rapest [sic]
) he is as equally adept at improvised yelping noises as he is at clever couplets. This song is punctuated by the strangest set of "oh"s, "ah"s, "uh"s, "ooh"s and "yeah"s I've ever heard. After one particularly absurdly strange cracked-voice squeal Baby Rapest tells us that "that's the noise you're going to make baby". If I was ever with a girl who made that noise I think I would be scared.
But, actually, I'm not so sure this song is being sung to a girl at all. At one point the singer says "Come on Shane." Granted this is
right before a ripping guitar solo (a solo that also features some pretty rocking handclaps) so maybe he's just calling out a musical cue. But I'd like to think that possibly "Shane" has been the object of lust all along. Especially when you consider that their website is so full of homophobic slurs it's like Fred Phelps-style offensive. I think thou doth protesteth too much, know what I'm sayin?
I'm not going to link to their website though, because I really don't want to give this band any more promotion then I already have. But I had to post the song because, well... it's not every day that you luck into finding the song with the worst lyrics ever written. But now that I've got this song in my iTunes folder I'm just gonna throw this CD away (I skimmed through the rest of "The Fuck Demo" and nothing else comes close to being as funny. It just sucks.) And I certainly don't want these guys to play at our venue. If their manager calls back to book a show I think I'll just tell him:
"Fu fu fu fu fu fuck fuck you"